You minister to my regret
And clean away the smog; my breath
As it clicks and catches through my lungs
You dig the dirt from blood and bones.
I weep with relief at the pain you leave
The hissing release of the burning-disease
My aching Heart yells! It screams! It smolders
Let me go on let me wander no longer
Weed up the burrows that root in my flesh
Tear out the system of feelings I’ve kept
Let me be clean again or let me be dead
re-apply the healing
I’ve clawed off time and again
What Breed am I?
What sovereign eye
Has cursed me not to feel?
Unless I cut myself to bleed these words of grit and death?
Who cursed me not to love unless
I first write of distress?
It builds up like a
Wax. Or an oily, greasy patch
That cannot be removed. Each
Written word squirms through.
I feel the blockage burn away
With phrases long overdue; they
Leave me gasping with relief
To finally be free to breathe.
“You’re dead,” they say. “Stop
Masquerading. Let the curtain close.”
I struggle on, each breaking dawn
cracking more fragile bones.
How large I see the world and feel each person’s footsteps fall
How delicate I breathe the dust that swallows up the halls
I cloak myself in refuge and the darkness of my eyes
And I never let them catch me; no, how I have learned to hide.
I feel more colors than they can sense
I hurl my painted words at death
I catch myself falling alone
And curse the gypsy heart I stole.
Who cares! Who minds!
Let the strange-men dream their dreams.
Let them prowl along beside my eyes
And peer through windows and seams.
More wanderers have saved my life
Than friends I call my best
More nurses clad in comfort than the doctors they address
I scream and scream until the rawness of my voice is heard
I filter out the darknesses and go numb to the world
My coiling-strength can only take so much tension at once
Eventually the screw will break and all my shouts will burst.
There is something in me that wants to return
To the bleached white walls and the chemical-room
To the soft silent plain of the starched stiff sheets
And the endless night where I wake and sleep.
The waiting breeds new agony
But the sleeping-room brings me release
I warmly breathe in the numbed-up night
Where the painless hours finally find
Each night my silk-skin shudders
And my yarn-hair starts to fall
The black matte buttons that give me sight
Grow dim and lose their light.
The nightmares climb up bookcases and
Nest in the dust on my grin
They stretch their claws in my overalls
And kiss the freckles on my chin.
I cannot fight the shadows, so my weaknesses grow strong
Each night the dimness fills my limbs
And seeps into my soles.
I try to whisper, “help me, please”,
But the child-folk cannot hear.
So tears of dust fall from my eyes
And I let the shadows near.
With dawn my shivers grow warmer
And the sun brings back my gleam
I smile painted lips at children
Who see only what they want to see.
My teeth clack loudly for attention
My tongue clicks to be heard.
I yawn, and each ear pops its knuckles
Ready for a brawl.
Again the downpour floods
Each drop of rain a pool of rage
That stirs my aching blood.
When storm clouds shatter, scream
When thunder-bolts get lost
Each fraction of a lightning-star
Burrows deeper through my heart.