“Oh, my God
What awful fear is this?
What crippling terror stalks me
These sadistic, “but what ifs?”
I could not live without you
Lord, if you changed your mind
My soul would simply shatter
If your love withered with time
Help me, help me
Your servant is afraid
My soul is screaming pain
I fear life is drowning in this place
My heart is searing fire
You are calling—I hear you call
“Child, do you know me yet at all?”
I will serve You, Lord, no matter what; the devil cannot taunt me away from you. In all my weakness, my tiny, useless insignificance, I will serve You. In all my fear and failure I will follow Jesus Christ. No other name. I am so scared. So frightened. Everything is sharp and harsh and scary, Lord. The world is full of evil and darkness and You are the only light. I am still afraid, but I will serve You no matter what; the devil cannot taunt me away from You. In my weakness you are strong, You will carry me as I crumple. When the panic sinks its talons into my heart and physically I feel the fear, You will still hold my failing body close as I shut down. You will say “Child, do not fear. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
This is all that matters. I will serve You and no other.
He loves me. He loves me.
He loves you.
Nothing is quite as satisfying
As scribbling on page,
disjointed words affecting
Colors dancing mutely in
whirling pictures from
The flip book pages spin
The story slowly bends
Until the dreams
and settle in my blood.
Frustration paints my sinew
With its noisy lines & knots
I bleed within from stress that bends
Muscles into painful spots
Poetry is silly
All the words have yet been claimed
Nothing is left to name.
Ocean, path, veranda, beam
The world is full of chiming things
Combined they make a simple page
Canvassed with light or fear or rage.
What guttural swirls and plugs
Eddies dancing down white bath-tubs
The drain that noisily calls
The water so dreamfully falls
Like currents around a sub
The water to grave must return.
What a growing pain inside me
All this ache within entombed
It stills my heart, it’s hard to breathe
Surely this pain will lessen soon?
I did not know that hearts could bleed
Out salt and water through eyes and frowns
Unaware that love affects time’s speed
And makes the pace of life slow down.
Why, I can feel the tears inside
Surely soon they’ll come to life
And carry my feelings through.
Alas, instead the gnawing grows
And the hole inside me shows
How my heart truly belongs with you.
The sunlight dips in swiftly
Just to kiss her porcelain cheek;
It lingers nought before it flees
While the wind pleas not to speak.
What ought occur in sequence
Is the starlight’s friendly dance;
To affect her elegance
And the moon’s defensive stance.
Even the fireflies delight
In the gracing of their night
With her added repose;
For even shabby, threadbare clothes
Upon a figure full of light
Would surely gleam and glow.
A single waiting moment
Is the longest of them all
The wondering is violent
As my tears collect and fall.
I must seek repose in chaos
I must do these things I can’t
God, why does it hurt so much?
What sort of pain is this, this shredding
Agony screaming at my nerve endings
Everything is red and black
I feel the ache inside my soul
I want to collapse, weeping broken glass
Screaming at the mocking sky
Why? God, why!
If your answer is the beauty of sunrise
To still the rain that falls inside me
If your rejoinder is the softness of the breeze
Even as it whips the oceans into frenzied seas
If your reply is the coolness of night even in the iron clad desert
The impossibility of all things that come together in your being
In your perfection
Then my agony slows to a humble rapping of bloodied knuckles on doors
My lacerating pain has dwindled away
The unbearable torture is simply no more
The glass inside me has no will left to stay
It melts to sand
No longer in despair
Skin will shiver
Under cloying silver gaze.
The moon is sweet
Its cold defeats
The spiking warmth of sunlit haze.
Earth that breaks
Showered earth and dirty space
Grass that stretches toward the air
Fronds that glow from sky’s despair
Whispered secrets through the trees
Leaves that laugh upon the breeze
Raindrops dance from twig to branch
Down the trunk to drown the ants
Scritching vole that scurries slow
Wandering stream with storm in tow
An earth that tilts beyond the day
Returning life to sunlit haze.
We walk along our wicked paths
And think nought of the thunder;
But soon the lashing rain will fall
And whip our lives asunder
If carelessly we walk in shade
The darkness soon will grow;
It creeps up close, as slow as hate
Yet sooner than we know.