What I want

Normally I am this bouncing ball of energy and loudness
Social lightning rippling through my veins like fire
Now I am pensive
I think and reflect and wonder and smooth words do not drop from my lips like river pebbles
For the first time in my life

I feel shyness like a thick cloak about me
Covering and protecting but inhibiting
I am afraid to be me
Or me has become less;
Whatever it is, I do not think I like it
I want to return to how and who I was before
Loud like the sunrise, shattering into the world
A new dawn, rudely eclipsing the calm night
Blazing with fierce self respect, ready to lead the new horizon beyond itself.

(But what I want may not be what is best for me. Perhaps God has a plan that is as of yet murky in my sight. I will trust and follow. He knows my desires and also my needs.)


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