Panic and fear and tears and penitence.
I am a mistake I am sorry I am nothing I am small I am ashamed I am ugly stupid worthless broken foolish flawed and slow, dying I am dying oh, my God my King my only hope I am so
You are whole in me. You are saved. You are SAVED, Child. Stop panicking. Stop fearing. Be fearless. Let my perfect love cast out your fear, let it destroy it, let it fill you with hope and kindness and my love, that you would fill the world with hope again.
Stop crying, Little One. You are mine, now and forever.
I am sorry I am so small I’m sorry please forgive me let me be closer to you, my peace and completion, the ache of my heart is for you.
Be still. I am the LORD your God. The Great I Am, who healed and chose and saved you. Peace, dear one. Peace, frail one. I will never let you fall. You will never be alone.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to be so enraged that words rattle around inside you
and become knives.
I know that mild anger causes my fingers to tremble for want of an outlet
I know that “mad” has me gripping my hands like they will march off to hurt someone
I know that my very bones seem to shake when I am angry and they want to splinter off into tiny blades that stab me from inside and that would be less painful than the anger;
But I do not know what it is to be enraged at true betrayal, or how incredibly powerful that sort of forgiveness
Must certainly, inherently
i feel pressure like an acid stone
curling wisps of fleshy smoke
as all my confidence degrades.
i do not know why certain folk
rob my self, make it choke
all i can say are words of aching breath.
they blink the light, my lungs go broke
my heart hates itself for all the love.
i do not know you, i can not love you
how could you betray me, my heart
how could you let the affection grow?
you persist! i want nothing more than to look beyond this one
let me move on
let me move along
i do not know him, i cannot love him
but Heart declares i should.
that you will see me here
that you will take three steps back
enraged by what you find
amazed and lost at the same time
all the things that you could say
but more i fear the game we’ll play
i fear the words that i will stutter
when i’m alone i pretend and i mutter
like i’m speaking to you but when finally we meet
the shouts in my head all suddenly cease
they leave me alone with nothing to speak
i’m totally undefended before your blue eyes
with nothing but memories of the tears that i cried
you brought pain and sorrow and sickness, it’s true
but mostly i fear the thinking you’ll do.
how i wish i could know
the thoughts in your head
i’ll have to pretend
Cold eyes protect me
Sharp lines guard me
Unforgiving harshness, jaws that make themselves known
Sharpness that cuts even from a distance.
Do not look at me
I am commanding.
Do not think about those dangerous thoughts that wheel through your mind like sickening flame
Ignore them. They imperil you.
I am small but aware
I see you watching me, deciding, leering
I freeze the air between us that you would feel the cold, and shiver.
I will cleanse the world of you
Do not hurt anyone
protect me. You know I know. I am frightening, and enraged.
You are incredible,
And so understandable
And very much dark and beautiful.
But you are also
Irritating and tardy
So very spastic and
And you do not answer me on time
You are like a very friendly ghost,
Or a snowman that is not quite abominable.
You are an idiot
Sort of a freak
You love the silly things you pour time into
And I love you,
and that is all there is to it.