I am reminded all over again
How grateful — overwhelmingly so — to serve a God the likes of which this world could never deserve.
How kind and strong and merciful and swift and just and ceaselessly LOVING You are. I
CANNOT fathom, nor can I truly express gratitude to the correct degree.
Instead I fumble at useless scuffed-up words and cry tears of longing and awe to give You more than what I have.
You are beyond me, Lord of light and love. Thank You for all that You are. I am infinitely small and weak, and you are immeasurably strong and eternal.
Perfection cannot thrive here
And shadows still will dance
So I will breathe in the good and bad
And let the mixture be romance.
Do not wonder if the stars are true
Or if my heart is yet to leave
I will not wander away from you
Unless you first let go of me.
My thoughts of you are so vivid at times
I turn to speak, and to my surprise
You were never there at all.
To fall asleep with thoughts of you
While rain paints endless winding tunes
On all my windowsills
Is surely more than I deserve.
To wonder if your heartbeat sleeps
As soundly in your arms as I
Is a question for another life.
“So often I write to myself
My words glitter for me alone.”
But now I know
My soul is fettered with the weight
Of a thousand other hearts
My screaming pain collaborates
With the grief-torn and alone.
You feel it too.
If tears don’t stain your pillowcase
Every blue moon or so,
Are you really even human?
Let night fold in, and hold you close
and fret not your current agonies.
Someday I’ll look back and be astounded
Someday I’ll reminisce and be amazed
at all the ways my life has changed;
tears shed for deaths we all regret —
friendships, friends, desires… dead.
Someday I’ll wonder just what happened
Where all the sunlit years have gone
My heartbeat then will go to sleep
my words will breathe no more.
I long for absolution from the starrer of the skies
the one who galaxied creation
and all the colors in your eyes.
Let my skin cease to glow
the day my colors fade.
and otherwise my spirit grow
in love and mercy night and day.
Starlight streaked into my eyes
And colored the heavens within my mind.
I reached for the sun but it was gone
Instead my flesh burned at darkness’s song.
Startled my fingers curled away
and the sickness inside screamed at the day.
I tried to cover my ears but found
my hands had melted down to bone.
In agony I closed my eyes
but wickedness within would thrive;
if I kept the light outside at bay
so I tore off my eyelids and fixed my gaze.
The stars burned fierce and electrified
the alleys my mind had once designed.
I cried out in pain and stretched my skin
to try and keep the laughter in.
Blood spun out and painted the sky,
all the darkness smiled at my demise.
but light bled in where veins had been
and kept my torn heart animated.
Re-formed then and born of light
my eyelids stars, my blood-light bright.
when darkness falls, I will show the way
for others struggling to find the day.
Once I would have stopped
And searched for four leaves among the weeds
Now I know it was here all along
Not in you,
But in me.
Fight the tiny Darkness inside
Its gnawing teeth needle and gnaw
Don’t feed it, don’t house it
Throw it poisonous love and forgiveness.
Claw out the roots of Resentment and Bitterness
It will hurt until Love blooms in the cracks
And pulls together the divided sides
Let Life renew the desert inside.