I have never lived a life not knowing constant pain
I have never seen the stars without an icy, driving rain
What would it be to have shoulders unbowed by heavy strain?
How do you function free from such limiting constraint?
Who would I be untainted, unbroken by this fate
How would I stand – the taller for the freedom from this weight?
WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THIS CURSE THAT BUILDS INSIDE MY BRAIN
the poison that is in my bones, my body – so betrayed
Chronic pain has made me stronger, made me weaker, but a soldier
I don’t know who I’d be or what the world would mean
I can’t believe you exist, you free from this red agony
It sounds like a fairytale, some senseless make-believe
That anyone could live and breathe without an omnipresent ache
What kind of life is that?
Indulgent, a dreamland, utterly fake
Who could possibly spend all day without hiding screams inside their face?
The blades that stalk my body have slipped into my mind
Everything is a threat, I am ready for death at any time
I cannot remember a day where I relaxed or ceased to hide
I have always been waiting, waiting for the worst, knowing the toxins will not subside…
Knowing my destiny is this agonizing life.
Trying to ignore the shrieking Worst inside my mind.
I am tired now, it has been decades of fight
I don’t know who I am except the girl hurting inside
The outside, beside, every shade of me has died
A thousand times I’ve waited for my grinning demise
I simply don’t know anymore what hope could possibly be
My faith has yet to desert me, at least I know that I am free
But my battle has not paused for a single momentary rest
I’ve been screaming, bathed in blood, since I drew my first breath
I’ve never existed without constant stress, the pressure of my life a test
How can I pass? What do I say? When will this nightmare fade?
Will a night ever start without my muscles burning flame?
Who am I if not agony, if not the girl who waits
to be saved?
Refusing to be the one who breaks because I’ve always been the broken one and I wish i could refuse this face?
I do not know what life would be without my thorns, these pains
I’ve never taken a breath that wasn’t shadowed by a cost. It’s inconceivable to me
That so many
Breathe for free.