Christmas ramblings

Dark hands fetch

My sodden mind

Dark words fed

By sullen rhyme.

Alone and lost

Each numbed-up thought

Escapes to question me.

Who am i now?

What do I seek, entrapped

Here by my own

reality?

Alone and confused

The ripples elude

I cannot find

Their center.

Each frozen stream

Unsourced, unseen, it

Tangles up my path.

I speak aloud to

Air them out

Though not a word is meant.

How do I leave? Who should i keep?

Why fight this all again? If i could flee

And be somebody, then

Who & where would I be?

If any wish could be my life,

What then would it look like?

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Seethe

I know. The ebb and flow

I am familiar with the highs and lows

Someday soon, my joy will resume

The grief will flee to allow me

To breathe.

I feel your heartbeat’s chaos

The fluttering thump of rest

It fills me with dread

Reminds me of death

My own uncertainties flooding my head.

I remember the times I didn’t know what to expect

Slain

I still think about you, wonder if my veins will ever forget

The way your hand felt pressed against my chest

how soft your skin was, how unreal the red seemed

Painted on his gloves, it weaves through my dreams

I have not tasted sleep since the night you came my way

I have not faced a dreamless land since the horror of that day

Every sundown, nightmares come to wriggle in my mind

I do not rest, I only wait

In agony for sunrise.

To dust

This Christmas time, my mind

Is racing with thoughts of death.

The woman in the road

The loyal dog that crumbled to ash in my hands

The grandfather I did not get to bid farewell…

The fathers that faded away before their time,

Hurting the loved ones in my life

I close my eyes and see demise

The permanence of death that floods my head

How do I stop this whirlwind and

Succumb to peace instead?

written in

I can never be a pilot

Nor an astronaut

I cannot dredge the seas

Or climb the mountaintops

I cannot be a surgeon, nor a soldier

Will never be allowed to hold death in my hands

But I can be a fighter

And a lover, and a writer

I can breathe the oceans and sail the sky

I will always see the heights if they’re set under the right guise

 

the only thing i need to live the world

is

this

pen.