Burn out

The uncertainty’s weight is more than I can stand

There is more against the fire than the darkness at hand.

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Quedar

Who doesn’t, won’t, and wants to be

Could I, would we, sweet disease

Want a new dollar, a shiny time-piece?

Me and my people can never be free.

As I sit still and the dripping-day starts

I cannot see past the daylight’s bright heart.

Am I a fool, or just on my own?

?Will you come to free me or leave me in stone?

I have never hesitated to make future plans with you.

Never wanted to wait and see “if the time will be right,” or if we’ll still be together

I’ve never wondered

Always assumed

Always waited expectantly, joyfully

I cannot wait,” my pervading thought

Now I shiver and wish fervently

For that future.

one line from each love poem i wrote (july 2017-january 2019)

i scream and claw at Heart

EACH NIGHTDARK WHISPERS HATING-THINGS

I want to take back what I didn’t say

The gnawing grows wider and I cannot quench the fire

I love but I cannot give in

let me hold your pain and fire, let me feel the lightning in your eyes

i cannot let this… exist

You pulled me up to dance

He filled my veins with shadow

Love cannot hurt me more than silence

The relief I feel

“You either feel it or you don’t.”

But the lyrics flew and caught my heart

You spoke in whispers and sunlight

When brown meets green. The trees

i seek absolution from the starrer of the skies

my starving heart desires.

I can feel the sunrays healing

Love is the warrior facing this fear.

What is this uncertainty

But the highs are so windy, so brightly sharp over the city

But I will lift my voice above the roar

Felt this familiar, comforting

Don’t let him know his eyes invade your waking nights and dreaming days

Someday I will kiss you again

And let the warmth of joy remain.

I am good

I discover, endless summer

She left and part of me went to sleep

I held fast to the loneliness grinding my bones.

But my heartbeat trails behind.

I lost everyone I need.

Too late

Impossible to deny.

We climb the clouds like ladders as we sing our praising songs

I call for a name that no longer exists.

I will simply call it a night

Elohim Shama, I want to listen as well as I’m heard.

When will this grief stop its roaming, and settle

How can I fight? I am weary

Verde, verde, me duele el corazón

I will not give in to the shadows or the bleeding.

I know who you were, and who you made me, and how you kept the loneliness at bay for so many

You are gone, and no life will replace you.

I feel small, I feel nothing

And you are still dead;

I do not want to live in a bubble of pain

You are the only reason I still sing

My king and my light, my guide will decide

and solitude is no longer a curse

But you are gone. Each new breath, empty morning

I no longer want to roam

I wish I knew how to leave the ledge but I know I cannot fly

For a while, in the dark, you’ll have never died.

I close my eyes and see demise

“it’s complicated.”

I know I am in love

My dear, I’m wholly in love with your rhetoric.

 

an evergreen love

pine-shells and mud clumps, rivers and vines

I like you now and love you all of the time

silvering skies, blossoming eyes

the rivers that run through my heart seek a prize

i speak to the mountains, they chuckle and sigh

the treetops wave down at the seas with delight

feathers and roots, charred logs and sticks

my dear, i’m wholly in love with your rhetoric.

 

Ceara

The idea of writing for you

When for so long we wrote together;

When our mutual love of words was discovered seven years ago

The idea of writing a tribute…

Because now you are gone

Because twenty-one is the oldest you’ll ever be

Because THE BLOOD IN YOUR BRAIN DECIDED YOU SHOULD LEAVE;

It feels like a bad dream.

There is still no part of me that understands you are gone.

I still expect to see you beaming down the sidewalk

At me,

Talking about

Les miserables or

The new worlds you’ve dreamed up…

I can hear your laugh in my head

That time when you said,

“you and her were the only ones who gave me the time of day”

Is burned in my memory

I hope you knew

How much everyone loved you

How odd it is to lose someone once so close and now so far

The joy and passion you inspired and breathed

Will remain; will reflect; will be sustained

In your best friend; in your brother; in me.