orphan

it still hits me like deep chills,

wind that flows in my bones, without any right to frost my skin

yet it does, it does

the tantalizing taste of life, the lightning-bolt-belief of light

i feel as though no one has lived before me,

how could any exist in this same place

without crumbling into dust?

I swear my intensity is unmatched

i promise the iron that crystallizes in my blood is unmet by predecessors

who are you to challenge me? i can’t even breathe

your air

this place is foreign and i will blink until the sun sets on

all these wasted words.

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How do I get out of here I’m trapped in pain and fight and fear

How can I be so charged emotionally

And YET SO FULL OF APATHY

IM SCREAMING FOR SOMEONE TO LET ME OUT, please

It’s so loud in here and it’s too dark to see

I wish I could kill this part of me…

Deed

I no longer crave the Roma-life

I want an end to my internal strife
I don’t want new colors, or feelings, or fear
I want something solid and safe, and real

I’m tired of thrills, of feeling these highs
The lows with which they are tangled are not worth the skies
I’m sick of the endless shrieking in my mind
I don’t want to be homeless, I want someone to

FIND


stop letting me wander. Give me a home. I’m tired of sorrow, the tragic-alone

Please someone convince me I’m sane
The world grows in volume
every
day

if I …….. this path I’ll be …. anyway

Has my trauma changed its form?

A deadly illness, starving-worm

Am I cursed to walk the earth, a

New impossible every morn?

Why can’t I leave the shadows behind? They change

Their shape

And follow me

I hate their voices, despise their smiles

But I can’t stop letting them crawl

All

Over

What can I do

To finally be free?

Someone tell them I’m

Done wandering

failure

“Hello Professor!

I hate to bother you over something like this. I just needed to talk to someone.

I missed the exam. The truth is, I really don’t have any excuse to have missed the exam. I thought the deadline was midnight, not ten pm, and so as I just finished my practice quizzes and went to take it… it’s too late. I budgeted my time incorrectly. It’s my own fault.

To be honest, I don’t really expect you to re-open the exam for me. I’m not asking that. Please don’t worry about that.

My aunts were visiting from out of town this past week, and as one of them is terminally ill with stage four cancer, I made the conscious decision to spend all my effort preparing for their trip, take a week off work and spend all my time with them while they were here. I neglected school on purpose. I hate that, but I kept thinking, “What if I never see her again?” So I neglected pretty much everything! My other classes too. All the math studying ground to a halt.

I don’t regret that, exactly. Making her laugh and buying a peach-pink wig with her and shaving her head and buying candy and watching horror movies and pushing her around the square… those are memories I wouldn’t trade. I regret that I didn’t have a better plan to honor school and my family at the same time. But I made my choice.

Anyway, yeah, I missed it. I’m not asking you to re-open the exam… I’m not sure what I’m doing, honestly. I’m equal parts frustrated with myself and surprised that I didn’t make it. Usually I manage to do everything, even if it’s just barely. It’s a new sensation to fail this spectacularly. It’s probably a really good lesson for me.

Uh, again, I’m not really sure why I’m emailing you. Maybe because it’s late and I worked all day and my brain is swimming with math and I need to tell somebody that I failed and I know it… I don’t know. You already extended the exam and I still missed it. (I won’t accept another chance to do it even if you were to extend one, so don’t worry. This isn’t a pity trip. I’m not asking that.)

I just wanted to email you and… promise to do better. If I know you and my family expects better from me, I can work harder despite this setback. I won’t fall behind this next unit, and I certainly won’t mix up the due date of the next exam! I know I can do it if I apply myself step by step just like the first unit. I may end up with a less-than-desirable grade, but it’s better than failing, and I owe everybody in my life that much.

Thank you for all the resources you give us to help us. Thanks for reading this semi-pointless email. It helped me to articulate it all.

I hope you have a great week. (You don’t have to reply to this! It’s enough for me just knowing I sent it.)

Best regards,

Just Me.”