I do not need to make all things so real
In an effort to anchor, I let everything
It’s crazy, it subdues
How can one person bear the weight of a billion wrongs?
How can two trembling hands
count the words of endless songs?
Two bony shoulders cannot straighten under the weight
Of every single human beings’ worst moment and mistake.
I must stop anchoring myself to loss
To suffering, and breakage, and torment without cause.
What business have I to empathize
With every one at once?
If I do not break to clean my faith
It will crumble, like dust, all at once.
Not even sunlight can banish the storms
The tempest that turns all it touches to what I abhor
Tributes of gold that flow from the trees;
Touching the sky to flame, to beauty
Nevertheless, my eyes protest
I do not see light. I do not see grace
A simple drive and what do I find?
Woman and child, together outside
God, they’re in agony!
Holding what’s left, someone’s final breaths
They weep, clad in flesh…
A blink and a jolt, I shudder
This is not a vigil.
Just chores. Elbows deep in a bag of mulch.
Whoa, what bitterness is this
Whose twisted thoughts have I trekked in?
Surely this darkness isn’t mine,
This want for aching, wasted time
Someday I’ll be solid, healed
Someday the nightmares won’t be there to steal
If the nights are silent, the days reveal
Endless screaming from the ones repealed
Some time night and day alike
Will toss their haunting-juggling storms
And all the worry and fear I despise
Can. I drift. Away. Someplace
Calling friends new and old
Can I float down every stairwell
Ever built, destroyed, or wrought to sell
Can I curl up inside my wretchedness
Among the thoughts that call me
Can I give in to the pounding rain
That floods my brain and calls my name
Can I let it drown me again?
Who will stop me if I let them in?
For a moment, my veins were on fire
Alight with Your power and might.
I had been swept by the threat of the Enemy’s wings;
His beauty, his torment, his plight
You will die, he whispered to me
Very soon, and painfully.
I know not what he expected, nor
What singing fear was rebuked.
But the threats did not sting
For my heritage brings
Courage; the heartiest thing.
I SNARLED “so be it then,
I’ll die as I lived,
Shouting praise to the King!”
For He does not bow to your suffering.
The tiniest sliver is far too dark; a piece of my heart
Too sharp, too sharp
I cannot believe it, the words are a lie
Who would want someone as broken and dangerous as I?
Please let go now before I trust too much
Please walk away before I need you and you run
I find it hard to even want myself
So how could someone else,
i know i am still held back by the trastorno,
unlikely to perceive anything
as it truly exists;
i know because simple words
leap out at me, and they threaten
with their hisses and hooks, promising
desastre with every syllable;
the drumbeats of the enfermedad within my chest
they just might
at shattering my 454564