I am good for nothing else
Riddled with agony, an aching mess
Of cuts and gaping wounds, trauma and
Just threaded together, barely, by the strings of your grace.
Nobody can know me as You do, so I burn to know you
When the tidal wave of nothingness climbs its way into my lungs
There is nobody to give me breath except for you, King
You are the only reason I still sing
Let your grace soothe me
Let its awesome, terrible power tear down my misconceptions
Knock down every walled-up presupposition
I do not want to live in a bubble of pain
For fear of it popping and the oxygen outside knowing my name
Take me somewhere my heart cries out for you
Fill me with your power, oh God, and your truth.
Felt warmth at my back, and fell asleep
Thinking, in a moment of late, exhaustion-induced confusion, that it was you.
But sunlight, and morning
Broke the truth
It was only the cat, curled up at my back.
And you are still dead;
You are still dead.
At most, my pain diminishes me
I feel small, I feel nothing
I feel the nothing pulling me in
I know its name, its harmonies well up
They pour out of my eyes and stain my life
At best, the pain underscores the why
Without agony there is no joy.
Why haven’t you come home yet?
Your pictures lie to me, the life in them misleading
I see your face and patiently wait for you to come bounding through the door.
But they lie, they lie;
You are gone, and no life will replace you.
It took a while, but I realized
You’ll never be gone. Not one ounce
Of your spirit, or joy, or love
Has vanished from my life. Not one
Of your presence
Has left my side.
I know who you were, and who you made me, and how you kept the loneliness at bay for so many
It’s accepting now
That I can never truly lose you
That will let the healing begin.
Someday I’ll see you again
I will not let the thief take away my sunlight
I will not give in to the shadows or the bleeding
Nausea creeps in but I will stand claimed
Nobody can curse me when the Star-breather says I am Named