This Christmas time, my mind
Is racing with thoughts of death.
The woman in the road
The loyal dog that crumbled to ash in my hands
The grandfather I did not get to bid farewell…
The fathers that faded away before their time,
Hurting the loved ones in my life
I close my eyes and see demise
The permanence of death that floods my head
How do I stop this whirlwind and
Succumb to peace instead?
I’ll dream tonight
I can’t wait to feel you by my side
and while the agony will be waiting with the light
for a while, in the dark, you’ll have never died.
i’m sorry, it’s so much easier
to live in the regret
i expect the darkness and the waiting hurts my head
i can walk on into shadow or I can cower in the light
i wish I knew how to leave the ledge but i know i cannot fly
I have realized, on my own
I no longer want to roam
I do not crave the breeze, because
Knowing I’m freely rooted leaves
The possibility to dance.
I no longer feel like half a whole
My heart not dreaming to be a soul
I’ve found myself and I’ve never been so
I felt again, your presence came
Your warmth renewed, no longer ash
In my arms, not seizing, not shrieking
Soft and living… safe once more
But you are gone. Each new breath, empty morning
You are torn from me fresh, the
Wound never closing.
Will I ever get used to your absence?
WILL I EVER STOP WISHING YOU WEREN’T GONE?
I almost pray you’d stop coming to me
Allow the blood to congeal
But if the only way you can be
Means me weeping over you in my sleep
Then bring me the dreams.
I’m sorry, I’m
still more than enough for you
and you felt you were never
i’m sorry for the hauntings, for the presence, for the longings
i’m sorry that you can’t forget and
just want to be friends
but panic fades when hearts don’t break
and solitude is no longer a curse