I feel like I never said your name,
You only ever said mine.
So long we wandered around together, and
How much time did I spend
Trying to… hide?
I was a monster in love with my reflection now I will say his name and love the taste of the inflection please help me stop this sad obsession make me someone by making me no one.
There is a fear in my core, and it
Burrows, cuts, and holds
my heart in its cold, clawed grip
But I know I am Yours.
Though my confidence falls
sick, the shaking-fear stalls
It strays and diminishes
And my weakness submits
The relief I feel
That the love was never real
Is as drowning and delightful as can be.
I cannot let Others take the reigns; I cannot
Hand my heart, encaged, to be tamed
I will wall it up and keep it close and safe
no one can hurt me if no one can say my name
I don’t think I know anyone
All hearts are foreign to me
Have I ever even loved? Have I ever set someone free
Why do my heartbeats echo just to hurt the ones I need
You challenge me
You ignite me with sparks, they travel my bones
The windy wayward valleys of my heart and soul
I grapple with my understanding of you
Frustration and fear, longing and love
I face destruction and growth, courage
Of this world where every pain haunts me
You are now my weakness
The angry burn will not release me
I try to sleep but the wind in my chest is freezing
My eyelids are heavy but the memories are heavier
I cannot let go of the past and the future
I was sitting among many
You pulled me up to dance
And I laughed and let the faces slide past
You drew me near and kissed my head
And I gasped, looked away
And hid my heart;
But will you move along someday
When someone else is as bright as me?
As loud, as eager, as strange and chaotic
Why stay here when others are c a l l i n g ?
I’ve fought a thousand battles trying to find you, searching for some infinite desire that would anchor me to another
I found nothing and no one
Just shadows full of twinkling promise,
Remnants of love; so I kept looking
And I discovered strength instead of companionship.
Dignity instead of desire.
Joy in place of longing.
And I am free of binding chains; now I search languidly, with expectation