I do not need to make all things so real
In an effort to anchor, I let everything
It’s crazy, it subdues
How can one person bear the weight of a billion wrongs?
How can two trembling hands
count the words of endless songs?
Two bony shoulders cannot straighten under the weight
Of every single human beings’ worst moment and mistake.
I must stop anchoring myself to loss
To suffering, and breakage, and torment without cause.
What business have I to empathize
With every one at once?
If I do not break to clean my faith
It will crumble, like dust, all at once.
Not even sunlight can banish the storms
The tempest that turns all it touches to what I abhor
Tributes of gold that flow from the trees;
Touching the sky to flame, to beauty
Nevertheless, my eyes protest
I do not see light. I do not see grace
A simple drive and what do I find?
Woman and child, together outside
God, they’re in agony!
Holding what’s left, someone’s final breaths
They weep, clad in flesh…
A blink and a jolt, I shudder
This is not a vigil.
Just chores. Elbows deep in a bag of mulch.
Whoa, what bitterness is this
Whose twisted thoughts have I trekked in?
Surely this darkness isn’t mine,
This want for aching, wasted time
Someday I’ll be solid, healed
Someday the nightmares won’t be there to steal
If the nights are silent, the days reveal
Endless screaming from the ones repealed
Some time night and day alike
Will toss their haunting-juggling storms
And all the worry and fear I despise
Can. I drift. Away. Someplace
Calling friends new and old
Can I float down every stairwell
Ever built, destroyed, or wrought to sell
Can I curl up inside my wretchedness
Among the thoughts that call me
Can I give in to the pounding rain
That floods my brain and calls my name
Can I let it drown me again?
Who will stop me if I let them in?
Will I ever
Be happy? My payments never
Seem to end
I cannot seek the resting, because
My debt will not descend
Have not I paid the dues this earth
Has called us all to pay?
Have not my sufferings yet been sufficient
Been enough- for a lifetime- each day?
I will wait, Palms upward, feet aching and bruised
I will surrender my heartache and tremors and
I cannot see an end to this tunnel, nor a filling
Of my soul
Everything so empty now, I doubt
So I wait… in pain… and praise.
Father, it weighs heavy on me
The numbness of this world
My soul is caught twixt earth and stone;
I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be.
I write, but no one cares to read
I call, but there is no answering
Someday I may settle this flighty breeze
But for now…
each current pulls silently.
Dark hands fetch
My sodden mind
Dark words fed
By sullen rhyme.
Alone and lost
Each numbed-up thought
Escapes to question me.
Who am i now?
What do I seek, entrapped
Here by my own
Alone and confused
The ripples elude
I cannot find
Each frozen stream
Unsourced, unseen, it
Tangles up my path.
I speak aloud to
Air them out
Though not a word is meant.
How do I leave? Who should i keep?
Why fight this all again? If i could flee
And be somebody, then
Who & where would I be?
If any wish could be my life,
What then would it look like?