I simply want to peruse the view
Circle ’round the vultures, catch the pieces they strew.
A syllable here, a vowel or two,
The cannibalized chunks of the wording we do.
I’m waiting for permission, but they’re circling lower
They don’t want to share
And that’s fair
But I’m starving.
I am told these endless tales
Myths and legends, of how I prevail
Tell me where then, this strength you cite-
has gone, and why I feel so frail?
At any moment my blood will stop
It will back into my skull and pop
Dripping down each empty socket
Breaking my rib cage and pooling my pockets
Back the way it was before
The days I was dying, the dreams I abhor
The memories of childhood stitched up and fixed
A traumatic memory, I endless resist
I do not need to make all things so real
In an effort to anchor, I let everything
It’s crazy, it subdues
How can one person bear the weight of a billion wrongs?
How can two trembling hands
count the words of endless songs?
Two bony shoulders cannot straighten under the weight
Of every single human beings’ worst moment and mistake.
I must stop anchoring myself to loss
To suffering, and breakage, and torment without cause.
What business have I to empathize
With every one at once?
If I do not break to clean my faith
It will crumble, like dust, all at once.
Not even sunlight can banish the storms
The tempest that turns all it touches to what I abhor
Tributes of gold that flow from the trees;
Touching the sky to flame, to beauty
Nevertheless, my eyes protest
I do not see light. I do not see grace
A simple drive and what do I find?
Woman and child, together outside
God, they’re in agony!
Holding what’s left, someone’s final breaths
They weep, clad in flesh…
A blink and a jolt, I shudder
This is not a vigil.
Just chores. Elbows deep in a bag of mulch.
Whoa, what bitterness is this
Whose twisted thoughts have I trekked in?
Surely this darkness isn’t mine,
This want for aching, wasted time
Someday I’ll be solid, healed
Someday the nightmares won’t be there to steal
If the nights are silent, the days reveal
Endless screaming from the ones repealed
Some time night and day alike
Will toss their haunting-juggling storms
And all the worry and fear I despise
Can. I drift. Away. Someplace
Calling friends new and old
Can I float down every stairwell
Ever built, destroyed, or wrought to sell
Can I curl up inside my wretchedness
Among the thoughts that call me
Can I give in to the pounding rain
That floods my brain and calls my name
Can I let it drown me again?
Who will stop me if I let them in?
Will I ever
Be happy? My payments never
Seem to end
I cannot seek the resting, because
My debt will not descend
Have not I paid the dues this earth
Has called us all to pay?
Have not my sufferings yet been sufficient
Been enough- for a lifetime- each day?
I will wait, Palms upward, feet aching and bruised
I will surrender my heartache and tremors and
I cannot see an end to this tunnel, nor a filling
Of my soul
Everything so empty now, I doubt
So I wait… in pain… and praise.