The hurting

I have never lived a life not knowing constant pain

I have never seen the stars without an icy, driving rain

What would it be to have shoulders unbowed by heavy strain?

How do you function free from such limiting constraint?

Who would I be untainted, unbroken by this fate

How would I stand – the taller for the freedom from this weight?

WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THIS CURSE THAT BUILDS INSIDE MY BRAIN

the poison that is in my bones, my body – so betrayed

Chronic pain has made me stronger, made me weaker, but a soldier

I don’t know who I’d be or what the world would mean

I can’t believe you exist, you free from this red agony

It sounds like a fairytale, some senseless make-believe

That anyone could live and breathe without an omnipresent ache

What kind of life is that?

Indulgent, a dreamland, utterly fake

Who could possibly spend all day without hiding screams inside their face?

The blades that stalk my body have slipped into my mind

Everything is a threat, I am ready for death at any time

I cannot remember a day where I relaxed or ceased to hide

I have always been waiting, waiting for the worst, knowing the toxins will not subside…

Knowing my destiny is this agonizing life.

Trying to ignore the shrieking Worst inside my mind.

I am tired now, it has been decades of fight

I don’t know who I am except the girl hurting inside

The outside, beside, every shade of me has died

A thousand times I’ve waited for my grinning demise

I simply don’t know anymore what hope could possibly be

My faith has yet to desert me, at least I know that I am free

But my battle has not paused for a single momentary rest

I’ve been screaming, bathed in blood, since I drew my first breath

I’ve never existed without constant stress, the pressure of my life a test

How can I pass? What do I say? When will this nightmare fade?

Will a night ever start without my muscles burning flame?

Who am I if not agony, if not the girl who waits

to be saved?

Refusing to be the one who breaks because I’ve always been the broken one and I wish i could refuse this face?

I do not know what life would be without my thorns, these pains

I’ve never taken a breath that wasn’t shadowed by a cost. It’s inconceivable to me

That so many

Breathe for free.

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God-seeker

What fickle foul delineates my mind
What hissing sentiment I find
Caught up in pools of sticky-me
That clot my breath and misery

i seek to find more than myself
i want not comfort, fame or wealth
but to BOW before the One who KNOWS

THE ONE WHO CLAIMS THE HIGHEST THRONE

Lord let me

Why, contemplation leaves me low

And bitter hearts still seek the cold.

I lose myself in time and sleep

An exhausted spirit is all I keep. 
So let me in to warm my feet

And sit awhile beside the flames. 

At once to rest and speak in peace

Forever safe in Your embrace. 
I nod my head and fire climbs high

My eyelids flicker low. 

I’m no longer out in the bitter cold —

You smile and drape over me Your coat. 

The fight 

What suffering could ever lead to light?

Why not rip the darkness to shreds and let it burn apart

Why not kill the sickly beasts and let the Lion reign again

I am sick of Your children wandering off, my sisters and brothers, lost

To the eternal night, either slaughtered or tortured or left to rot

Their hearts full of the dark they once ceaselessly fought. 

Spare me this sorrow and spare them this life

Full of distraught and terror and hate

Choking on oxygen riddled with poisons

Missing the clean air of grace. 
You hold the power, the only truth left

To wipe out transgressions and sickness and death

Oh Child, you say to me, can you not see?

That’s exactly what I’m doing, and I start to breathe

It’s starting with you,

It’s starting with me?

Go show them the light, they must come to me freely. 

All at once I understand

You are fighting the dark, you are holding my hand

I lost sight for a moment when the shadows crowded in

But I remember again; you were slain that we would be forgiven, and live!

That evil would perish instead. 


Perfect love casts out fear

Terror initiates
Calls me in so sickly-sweet.
“You can’t afford to turn away,”
It hisses, haunting me.
Ignore the light, ignore the day.

Nothing is real except the fear
It burns inside
An acid in my heart
Too late, I took the poison
It’s curled up, hissing.
Drifting smoke bleeds
From my nose
Can Love stop the ache inside?

The bones around your heart are cinders
Embers that will never die
Unless the Enemy’s taunts are lies…