Liability

The tiniest sliver is far too dark; a piece of my heart

Too sharp, too sharp

I cannot believe it, the words are a lie

Who would want someone as broken and dangerous as I?

Please let go now before I trust too much

Please walk away before I need you and you run

I find it hard to even want myself

So how could someone else,

someone else?

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Young?

What, he said, how can that be?

You truly never have a moment of peace?

I shrugged my shoulders, untouched by his unease,

“I’ve never known different. It’s all the same to me.”

Quedar

Who doesn’t, won’t, and wants to be

Could I, would we, sweet disease

Want a new dollar, a shiny time-piece?

Me and my people can never be free.

As I sit still and the dripping-day starts

I cannot see past the daylight’s bright heart.

Am I a fool, or just on my own?

?Will you come to free me or leave me in stone?

written in

I can never be a pilot

Nor an astronaut

I cannot dredge the seas

Or climb the mountaintops

I cannot be a surgeon, nor a soldier

Will never be allowed to hold death in my hands

But I can be a fighter

And a lover, and a writer

I can breathe the oceans and sail the sky

I will always see the heights if they’re set under the right guise

 

the only thing i need to live the world

is

this

pen.

Happy invisible illness awareness week

I still feel fake

Like I am a parade

What business do I have

Saying I’m not okay?

As healthy as I seem… My sickness can’t be seen.

My poison had no name

So WHO AM I TO CLAIM

“I can’t because I’m lame…”

To pass along the blame?

It is so hard to accept, to know

That I can ever say no…

The hurting

I have never lived a life not knowing constant pain

I have never seen the stars without an icy, driving rain

What would it be to have shoulders unbowed by heavy strain?

How do you function free from such limiting constraint?

Who would I be untainted, unbroken by this fate

How would I stand – the taller for the freedom from this weight?

WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THIS CURSE THAT BUILDS INSIDE MY BRAIN

the poison that is in my bones, my body – so betrayed

Chronic pain has made me stronger, made me weaker, but a soldier

I don’t know who I’d be or what the world would mean

I can’t believe you exist, you free from this red agony

It sounds like a fairytale, some senseless make-believe

That anyone could live and breathe without an omnipresent ache

What kind of life is that?

Indulgent, a dreamland, utterly fake

Who could possibly spend all day without hiding screams inside their face?

The blades that stalk my body have slipped into my mind

Everything is a threat, I am ready for death at any time

I cannot remember a day where I relaxed or ceased to hide

I have always been waiting, waiting for the worst, knowing the toxins will not subside…

Knowing my destiny is this agonizing life.

Trying to ignore the shrieking Worst inside my mind.

I am tired now, it has been decades of fight

I don’t know who I am except the girl hurting inside

The outside, beside, every shade of me has died

A thousand times I’ve waited for my grinning demise

I simply don’t know anymore what hope could possibly be

My faith has yet to desert me, at least I know that I am free

But my battle has not paused for a single momentary rest

I’ve been screaming, bathed in blood, since I drew my first breath

I’ve never existed without constant stress, the pressure of my life a test

How can I pass? What do I say? When will this nightmare fade?

Will a night ever start without my muscles burning flame?

Who am I if not agony, if not the girl who waits

to be saved?

Refusing to be the one who breaks because I’ve always been the broken one and I wish i could refuse this face?

I do not know what life would be without my thorns, these pains

I’ve never taken a breath that wasn’t shadowed by a cost. It’s inconceivable to me

That so many

Breathe for free.

quiet

Usually, there is cold.

Ice and deftness, dexterity and chill.

But when the slow-deep comes, the fire

Lights in her hands. The warmth spreads

Through her veins

And cradles her heart. It squeezes

Like a vest, like a binding

The current carries her away.

She flickers out for a time

And the warmth

Stays; the tongues of flame

Lighting their own way.