I do not need to make all things so real
In an effort to anchor, I let everything
It’s crazy, it subdues
How can one person bear the weight of a billion wrongs?
How can two trembling hands
count the words of endless songs?
Two bony shoulders cannot straighten under the weight
Of every single human beings’ worst moment and mistake.
I must stop anchoring myself to loss
To suffering, and breakage, and torment without cause.
What business have I to empathize
With every one at once?
If I do not break to clean my faith
It will crumble, like dust, all at once.
Whoa, what bitterness is this
Whose twisted thoughts have I trekked in?
Surely this darkness isn’t mine,
This want for aching, wasted time
Someday I’ll be solid, healed
Someday the nightmares won’t be there to steal
If the nights are silent, the days reveal
Endless screaming from the ones repealed
Some time night and day alike
Will toss their haunting-juggling storms
And all the worry and fear I despise
Can. I drift. Away. Someplace
Calling friends new and old
Can I float down every stairwell
Ever built, destroyed, or wrought to sell
Can I curl up inside my wretchedness
Among the thoughts that call me
Can I give in to the pounding rain
That floods my brain and calls my name
Can I let it drown me again?
Who will stop me if I let them in?
Has my trauma changed its form?
A deadly illness, starving-worm
Am I cursed to walk the earth, a
New impossible every morn?
Why can’t I leave the shadows behind? They change
And follow me
I hate their voices, despise their smiles
But I can’t stop letting them crawl
What can I do
To finally be free?
Someone tell them I’m
I’ve left the feeling-place
I’m floating, or
I can’t tell the difference between
oxygen and mud
i don’t even know what to ask for, i’m
sorry, i don’t want anything
For a brief time,
The sunlight will graze my eyes
And my words will haze and thrive
And the colors will paint my pain
Roses and thorns and stains
The grating will give way to whispers
The blossom will silence the scream
i will reflect on the stars and on wonder
(do you love her?)
Until the aching returns to my dreams.
I closed my eyes and the vision revived
Of the blood and burns on my flesh
Of the death pouring out of my head
Of all the burning and breath
I’m beautiful but I’m broken
And whoever loves me must relent
Must allow it
Must look away.