The hurting

I have never lived a life not knowing constant pain

I have never seen the stars without an icy, driving rain

What would it be to have shoulders unbowed by heavy strain?

How do you function free from such limiting constraint?

Who would I be untainted, unbroken by this fate

How would I stand – the taller for the freedom from this weight?

WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THIS CURSE THAT BUILDS INSIDE MY BRAIN

the poison that is in my bones, my body – so betrayed

Chronic pain has made me stronger, made me weaker, but a soldier

I don’t know who I’d be or what the world would mean

I can’t believe you exist, you free from this red agony

It sounds like a fairytale, some senseless make-believe

That anyone could live and breathe without an omnipresent ache

What kind of life is that?

Indulgent, a dreamland, utterly fake

Who could possibly spend all day without hiding screams inside their face?

The blades that stalk my body have slipped into my mind

Everything is a threat, I am ready for death at any time

I cannot remember a day where I relaxed or ceased to hide

I have always been waiting, waiting for the worst, knowing the toxins will not subside…

Knowing my destiny is this agonizing life.

Trying to ignore the shrieking Worst inside my mind.

I am tired now, it has been decades of fight

I don’t know who I am except the girl hurting inside

The outside, beside, every shade of me has died

A thousand times I’ve waited for my grinning demise

I simply don’t know anymore what hope could possibly be

My faith has yet to desert me, at least I know that I am free

But my battle has not paused for a single momentary rest

I’ve been screaming, bathed in blood, since I drew my first breath

I’ve never existed without constant stress, the pressure of my life a test

How can I pass? What do I say? When will this nightmare fade?

Will a night ever start without my muscles burning flame?

Who am I if not agony, if not the girl who waits

to be saved?

Refusing to be the one who breaks because I’ve always been the broken one and I wish i could refuse this face?

I do not know what life would be without my thorns, these pains

I’ve never taken a breath that wasn’t shadowed by a cost. It’s inconceivable to me

That so many

Breathe for free.

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Hospital

There is something in me that wants to return 
To the bleached white walls and the chemical-room
To the soft silent plain of the starched stiff sheets
And the endless night where I wake and sleep.

The waiting breeds new agony
But the sleeping-room brings me release
I warmly breathe in the numbed-up night
Where the painless hours finally find

Me. 

Testimony

Daddy carried me to the car
My legs were weak, but not my heart
Sister tried to earn laughter from me
We left the presents cold by the tree.

The hospital said go home, we’ll see
They weren’t sure what was wrong with me
One thing they seemed to know for sure-
“If she throws up come back immediately.”

A week went by in my quick child mind
Or so I can recall
The next thing I knew, “mama, I puked,”
They admitted me to the hospital.

Dark splotches began to cover me,
While I swelled and bled convulsively
“Henoch Schonlein,” they said
“But I’ve never seen it this intense.”

My blood was inside betraying me
Explosions in my capillaries
Internal bleeding as my kidneys failed
Into oblivion Christmas paled
Med students examining my disease
“Her condition seems to steadily decrease.”

Then one normal afternoon
Most of the family was out of the room
Mama waited inside while they were out
She saw the flicker in my eyes
She watched the light go out.

Unresponsive, deaf to the doctors’ calls
In my dreams I heard my mama sing
They told us to prep for “the long haul”
Even as their eyes told my family, “she’s dying.”

All the friends who came to visit
On my part came in vain
I could not see or hear or talk
But their love helped my parents’ pain.

Then pastor Pace from our Church of God
Came in to say a prayer
“May she fall asleep, and wake up healed,”
As they anointed my hair.

In slumber then for half an hour
I was before I awoke
I opened my eyes, restored was the light
I bounced and jumped and spoke.

The lesions vanished from my skin
As quickly as the disease had once crept in
The henoch schonlien was gone
They said it’ll come back, you’ll see
Twelve years have passed, the doctors were wrong.