The Good News Is,

Past-me, the good news is

The pain all fades eventually.

Past-me,

Don’t you see?

Those memories someday will no longer bleed.

Past-me. Listen here.

You’re hurting over something that will not matter in a year

Past-me, be of cheer!

The stories told of heartbreak old will help you learn to steer.

Dear past-me, so young and cold,

Each step from old-pain and breaks will bring you closer to where you’re meant to be… don’t you see…?

Past-me.

In but months your only feeling is relief.

So just be, past-me, and weep and bleed and fret

Someday soon your dancing-eyes

will no longer be wet

And last-need, past-me, is a harping on such pain.

Thankfully you’ll heal up fast and

Not pull the wounds open again!

So sleep, past-me, and dream of today and currently

When courage stops to stay awhile with his keeper, present-me.

What else can I do, what other

Choices do I have?

If I breathe in purpose elsewhere, it just

Fills me with despair.

If I look to the stars, or to the other leaders here

I feel nothing but despair.

I feel nothing but despair.

If I look out to the seas, toward the endless heaving tide

I feel naught but pain inside,

Naught but pain inside.

Though the world is trickling way

And the currents laugh and grind

I will rise on stone to stay

Praising the God of permanence and time.

My conquests hold no meaning,

every struggle forgotten to the tide

Who will remember repeated days

Of waiting for a better time?

While I beg and choose from morsels,

Stained with wanting waiting-clothes

The world goes on without me

Yes, it counts me just another foe

Should I wake utterly destitute

Or drown beneath the sea

The earth will soon forget,

Will just as quickly bury me.

If I don’t matter tomorrow, nor did I

Matter yesterday

What leave have I to pursue a path

That winds another way?

Though my paces will fade from memory

And my footfalls be heard by none

I will still seek the path of the Father

I will follow the Holy One

If but a single other wanderer

Heeds my lamp through the dark or the fall;

Then my stumbling has broken the curse

My wailing was not without cause.

Though regardless of men, I stand brokenly

I heel crazily to the side

Taunting the enemy with my dependence

Laughing openly at my demise

I am unable, and thus a servant

I am lesser, and so adopted

I know who I am and to who I belong

And though time wears away even stone

I rest, knowing by Him

By Him-

I am known.

Holden

It was a blow I did not expect, it came from the wind

and down tumbled the walls I had built.

The protections were lost; my heartache-fueled rot

Blossomed up in my gut as I watched them speak.

I stood in the crowd, trying vainly to

Hide the weeping that wracked my frame.

The walls crumbled lower, my shaking grew harder

And my little loved ones began to see.

But before any small one could climb through the crowd

To attach herself lovingly to me;

You saw me, you touched me,

And your palm on my shoulder

As you slipped softly by

Brought me out of the memories

I was drowning inside.

Thank you for seeing me, thank you for caring

Though I barely knew your name.

I wish I’d had the courage

To thank you in person

But I still get tongue-tied when I see your face.

How do I thank you for something you likely don’t remember

How do I explain how deeply it mattered?

I do not think I can, and there are limits to my pen

So perhaps someday I can

Return the favor.

I Forgive You – an open letter (you know who you are)

I hope you see this, and not just

Every other word from my mouth,

the lilting that could be condemnation,

the rhymes that could be calling you out;

I hope you hear that I know what Love has planned

For you; beyond your storms.

I still believe who you’re becoming is better;

Is loved;

And who you were doesn’t have to exist anymore.

Disgusting

There is something sick inside me, it is

Easier to be ill

I know nothing so well as disease, I am

Better at being sick than any facet of humanity

I would otherwise display.

Fear blossoms, whispers inability

I know better the honeyed pity, the bleeding sympathy that flows

I can manage the gratitude they exude

That their lot has not fallen as mine;

I am better at belonging in the hospital bed

Than any talent I can find

Something in me longs for that familiarity

Take me back where I understand and am understood

The beeps and monitors I speak, the veins and lines that intersect at a nurse’s hand

It is far more ordered than this chaotic land

I have more to offer in the crisp-white room than in this panicked time;

I can offer mystery; blood and antibodies and metabolic panels that defy reason

I hold curiosity; extra collagen and misery

I know not where else to run when

I

Bleed

But

Someone wants my uncertain mess; this diseased, distressed, and homeless wreck

A God so clean, with want of me? How delightfully wrong it seems

But… it is there I surely belong.

Cuarentena

Where’d the sunlight go, and to where all the shade?

Both have left walking – quite rudely, I’d say.

What shall we do without darkness or light?

Wherefore the sun? Wherefore now the night?

We cannot go on in this timeless abyss, this

Spiral of seconds that do not exist.

Confined in the circle of what was and not yet is

We wait for awake – and asleep – to be fixed.

If I don’t escape soon, I fear I’ll soon give in

But how can I give in with nothing to resist?

Release

Don’t ask me anything you don’t not want to know

The rivers I fold up inside me are bound to break flow

They’ll well up inside and they’ll sweep out my eyes

And my tongue will spiral, earth-bound as it flies.

The memories and hauntings of before that I’d locked

Will gurgle up out on the tide that you’ve wrought

I did not ask to be emptied, you did not ask to care

Yet in the mirror I am crying, and you’re holding me there.

the danger of surviving

When I heard the shout, the crash, the loud

My veins burst with fire and panic.

I leapt to my feet straight over the seat

Of the recliner, without bothering to close it.

I was already cycling through emergency mode,

Preparing my eyes for the blood they would see.

I was ready to reassure, to assist, to prevent

death

Fueled with panic-flames lapping up from my feet

Then he spoke after the cry, said, it’s okay,

I’m fine,

it was the dog that knocked something down.

I crumbled back down, my chest a vacuum

Where breath was remiss to return.

I hate that my life has been trauma so many times

But if it meant saving their lives, or protecting them in crisis

I would shoulder a thousand more panic-fires.

Though someday, I hear, they build up and the fear

Is nothing compared to the smoke.

If you’re not careful, the burning will fill up your person,

And the world will all feel the same,

And despite the extinguishers, despite the protectors,

you’ll never smell anything but flames.

Welcome home, soul

Where have I been, these years, these years

Where have I been these nights?

In what kind of hovel have I been hiding

Afraid of what courage, which light?

I’m tired and empty of what the world has

Over the conquests of fools and men

Every heart in this world, it seems

Is gaunt, irrelevant, and has been

Filled up by the sloppiest, patched up with paltry

Seasoned with promises reeling with poetry,

Stricken with senselessness, sickened with hurry

These hearts do not wait upon or at all.

I am weary of restless, nauseous of breathless

Seeking the foundation you bring.

I left for a time- and forgive me, I lied-

To my own starving heart of my means.

But I’ve reconciled here, and I’ve realized now

My future is elsewhere, it waits in the power

Of the Lion of Glory and Might.

My silence is sacred, but my praise is outrageous

And I will scream to the Heavens

That the shadows must now

contend with the Light.

How much easier it is to follow you

In grinding hurt and pain;

How much brighter and clearer the light doth shine

When night has come again;

I seek no answers except my own, and it is readily

A resounding, ‘yes!’ And ‘hurry, please,

Rescue me with all speed,’

I see the clearest surrenders from the foggiest of seas

Knowing who you are is easy, but not when to leave.

You open the door, I stand and call; invite you in, to stay, to grow.

My God and King, the light unto my path.

I will follow the lights back.