it is a crushing weight that pulverizes your breath
grinds your lungs to dust and leaves blood begging for help in your eyes
it is an exhaustion, an apathy, a slow-burning acid pulsating in your heart
it is an apology, “i’m sorry, i should be fine”
it is a distant echo of guilt
remorse for the lives you cannot help but impact
buried by nothingness,
the ghost of feeling consumed by self-hatred and
Again the downpour floods
Each drop of rain a pool of rage
That stirs my aching blood.
When storm clouds shatter, scream
When thunder-bolts get lost
Each fraction of a lightning-star
Burrows deeper through my heart.
This is what it seems to be!
when all inflections bury me
engulfed in liquid sleep and stars
my mind scurries through burning hearts
i am tossed about the ground
flurrying on thought and sound
hidden tripping music weaves
a lonely caustic melody.
the words marched on my tongue
and beat a reluctant retreat
for after beating both my lungs
my teeth forced them into defeat.
someday somewhere the words will fare
far better than here they did;
i will not be able to hide in my hair
the love i refuse to admit.
They say it’s ‘drapetomania’
I call it discontent.
I’ve let ‘wanderlust’ invade
With its courteous malintent.
Sometimes it’s ‘lypophrenia’
With its curious shadowy form;
And disease causes ‘dysania’
(Why can’t I make it out the door?)
Whatever word you call it,
‘Sadness’ works in its place.
Someday I aim to feel happiness instead,
Or ‘joy’- or ‘passion’- or ‘grace’.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to be so enraged that words rattle around inside you
and become knives.
I know that mild anger causes my fingers to tremble for want of an outlet
I know that “mad” has me gripping my hands like they will march off to hurt someone
I know that my very bones seem to shake when I am angry and they want to splinter off into tiny blades that stab me from inside and that would be less painful than the anger;
But I do not know what it is to be enraged at true betrayal, or how incredibly powerful that sort of forgiveness
Must certainly, inherently
What a growing pain inside me
All this ache within entombed
It stills my heart, it’s hard to breathe
Surely this pain will lessen soon?
I did not know that hearts could bleed
Out salt and water through eyes and frowns
Unaware that love affects time’s speed
And makes the pace of life slow down.
Why, I can feel the tears inside
Surely soon they’ll come to life
And carry my feelings through.
Alas, instead the gnawing grows
And the hole inside me shows
How my heart truly belongs with you.
When emotions strain against my flesh
And I feel them press against my chest
They seek release, held in by bone
And a heart that aches when it’s alone.
The feelings surge down my fingertips
They speak the thoughts mute from my lips
Words that dance in song and ink
Release the heart that dares to think.
The cold touch of my hands is sure
To ignite a flame of written word
Skin that’s cracked from scrubbing stains
Of pens that broke from all my pain.
The writing flows and soothes my fear
The beauty of sonorous words that breathe
And phrases become eternally dear
In their rhyme, entrenched in memory.