Nods and Nos

No, it’s fine, don’t let him see you cry

The tears have no meaning but the love-light in your eyes

Blame it on the wind blowing dust into your gaze

Don’t let him know his eyes invade your waking nights and dreaming days

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I’ve fought a thousand battles trying to find you, searching for some infinite desire that would anchor me to another

I found nothing and no one

Only dust. 

Just shadows full of twinkling promise,
Remnants of love; so I kept looking
And I discovered strength instead of companionship. 

Dignity instead of desire. 

Joy
in place of longing. 
And I am free of binding chains; now I search languidly, with expectation

Instead

Of desperation.
 

endings

they are sad. they are also new. people think about the brokenness of endings, the loss of potential. but endings are as new as presents on Christmas day. they are unseen, unheard, unknown. they are new to me and to you and new to everyone who experiences them. and an ending allows you to breathe and start fresh. it lets you let go of past mistakes while holding on to past joys, past successes. it lets you live and let live. endings are new so that beginnings can be steady. endings are the foundation of the next step. they are the fear and terror of night with all the promise of beauty at the sunrise. they are necessary. and utterly remarkable. and so terribly new.

what is Depressed?

it is a crushing weight that pulverizes your breath

grinds your lungs to dust and leaves blood begging for help in your eyes

it is an exhaustion, an apathy, a slow-burning acid pulsating in your heart

it is an apology, “i’m sorry, i should be fine”

it is a distant echo of guilt

remorse for the lives you cannot help but impact

buried by nothingness,

the ghost of feeling consumed by self-hatred and

absolute

emptiness