I have realized, on my own
I no longer want to roam
I do not crave the breeze, because
Knowing I’m freely rooted leaves
The possibility to dance.
I no longer feel like half a whole
My heart not dreaming to be a soul
I’ve found myself and I’ve never been so
but panic fades when hearts don’t break
and solitude is no longer a curse
wander and grow, wonder and know
i’m building the spirit inside
my king and my light, my guide will decide
just what paths i will take through this life.
the ache is making me
the gap is filling with water;
each day i realize i love her,
the girl learning how to swim.
I went on a mission to change my name
To cut through my braids and melt all my chains
Chopped off my hair, pierced through my flesh
Wandered away from my home; I fled
Who am I now that I’ve challenged my soul
Conquered the shadows that threatened and broke?
I jumped from the heights, I set out alone
I held fast to the loneliness grinding my bones.
Now I am different, sharper, and free
Now I am entirely
The weirdest part of it all is the massively personal nature of growing up. Every human being in the history of the planet has met that moment in life where they paused and thought, terrified, about the future rushing so dangerously toward them. And every human has realized in an instant how terribly near adulthood had grown, and how temporary everything really is. How insignificant. And despite the frequency of these soul-shattering, intensely huge moments; despite this, every single time a child’s heart breaks, to be replaced by the heart of an adult, it feels like the first time. The only time. Every transitioning human believes for a moment that their journey has been the only journey, that this moment is unique to them and them alone; that they, somehow, are different in their jarring realization of reality. And in a way, they are right, despite the likenesses of every other terrified teen that has gone before. Now, for the current petrified youth, it’s just a question of growing up in such a way that the growing is toward the light; and taking that stone cold terror and making it something good and productive for the world to hold onto after our wisp-of-smoke lives are over.