I wander through unknowns, shivering valleys and deeper lows
My dreams reflect the darkness new- but somehow light is shimmering too
I find myself awash in breath, a consolation in the land of death…
What waits beyond I do not know. A lonely hall dipping dark and low. I will not find what I expect-
But the Lion of Judah, prowling ahead.
I can feel myself
Healing, growing, and learning
It is a blessing.
Though I am not sure
What is changing within me;
Chaos is fleeing.
For the first time in
A painfully long nightmare
I can breathe freely.
There is not any
Panic blossoming within
Just a warm, slow peace.
Such slowness is rare
In my life it has been few;
I will consume it.
Steady, soft, complete
My heartbeat returns to me
Where it always was.
It feels so strange.
For so long I have sought disconnection, relief
Thinking the land turned about me
Now new soil greets my feet, an ocean’s expanse
And still the churning – thrashing – burning
No matter how I flee I cannot escape the bleed
No matter where I run I am seen by the
How can I heal? Will this ever cease? Please let me find some
I do not need to make all things so real
In an effort to anchor, I let everything
It’s crazy, it subdues
How can one person bear the weight of a billion wrongs?
How can two trembling hands
count the words of endless songs?
Two bony shoulders cannot straighten under the weight
Of every single human beings’ worst moment and mistake.
I must stop anchoring myself to loss
To suffering, and breakage, and torment without cause.
What business have I to empathize
With every one at once?
If I do not break to clean my faith
It will crumble, like dust, all at once.
Whoa, what bitterness is this
Whose twisted thoughts have I trekked in?
Surely this darkness isn’t mine,
This want for aching, wasted time
Someday I’ll be solid, healed
Someday the nightmares won’t be there to steal
If the nights are silent, the days reveal
Endless screaming from the ones repealed
Some time night and day alike
Will toss their haunting-juggling storms
And all the worry and fear I despise
i am grateful in this moment, in this instant, for this time
i am happy the stars are back and lighting up my mind
today i love him, today i’m fine
i refuse to wait for the day to end.
For a while, there was no breath
Only a buzzing numbness in my chest
I could not expand my lungs, I could not deign to sigh
There was only the ache and a drowning behind my eyes
For a while, there was no rest
Only a tossing-thrashing-missing of you curled up was left
I could not turn away the grief, I could not move through the rain
There was only the sorrow and a drowning in my brain
For a while, there was no light
Only a cold and taunting blackness that expanded in the night
I could not face the shadows, I could not tame the screams
There was only the agony and a drowning in my dreams
For a while, there was no respite
Only an endless loop of your loss that plagued and scratched and bit
I could not last a day, I could not be strong without you
There was only the missing and a drowning of the truth
After a while, the healing started
And I could move among the broken stars.
I began to breathe and sleep and eat
And while the missing and drowning remain in part
They are not the only presence; nor the power that, absolute, reigns.
I miss you but you’ll never leave my heart