written in

I can never be a pilot

Nor an astronaut

I cannot dredge the seas

Or climb the mountaintops

I cannot be a surgeon, nor a soldier

Will never be allowed to hold death in my hands

But I can be a fighter

And a lover, and a writer

I can breathe the oceans and sail the sky

I will always see the heights if they’re set under the right guise

 

the only thing i need to live the world

is

this

pen.

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Happy invisible illness awareness week

I still feel fake

Like I am a parade

What business do I have

Saying I’m not okay?

As healthy as I seem… My sickness can’t be seen.

My poison had no name

So WHO AM I TO CLAIM

“I can’t because I’m lame…”

To pass along the blame?

It is so hard to accept, to know

That I can ever say no…

The hurting

I have never lived a life not knowing constant pain

I have never seen the stars without an icy, driving rain

What would it be to have shoulders unbowed by heavy strain?

How do you function free from such limiting constraint?

Who would I be untainted, unbroken by this fate

How would I stand – the taller for the freedom from this weight?

WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THIS CURSE THAT BUILDS INSIDE MY BRAIN

the poison that is in my bones, my body – so betrayed

Chronic pain has made me stronger, made me weaker, but a soldier

I don’t know who I’d be or what the world would mean

I can’t believe you exist, you free from this red agony

It sounds like a fairytale, some senseless make-believe

That anyone could live and breathe without an omnipresent ache

What kind of life is that?

Indulgent, a dreamland, utterly fake

Who could possibly spend all day without hiding screams inside their face?

The blades that stalk my body have slipped into my mind

Everything is a threat, I am ready for death at any time

I cannot remember a day where I relaxed or ceased to hide

I have always been waiting, waiting for the worst, knowing the toxins will not subside…

Knowing my destiny is this agonizing life.

Trying to ignore the shrieking Worst inside my mind.

I am tired now, it has been decades of fight

I don’t know who I am except the girl hurting inside

The outside, beside, every shade of me has died

A thousand times I’ve waited for my grinning demise

I simply don’t know anymore what hope could possibly be

My faith has yet to desert me, at least I know that I am free

But my battle has not paused for a single momentary rest

I’ve been screaming, bathed in blood, since I drew my first breath

I’ve never existed without constant stress, the pressure of my life a test

How can I pass? What do I say? When will this nightmare fade?

Will a night ever start without my muscles burning flame?

Who am I if not agony, if not the girl who waits

to be saved?

Refusing to be the one who breaks because I’ve always been the broken one and I wish i could refuse this face?

I do not know what life would be without my thorns, these pains

I’ve never taken a breath that wasn’t shadowed by a cost. It’s inconceivable to me

That so many

Breathe for free.