What else can I do, what other

Choices do I have?

If I breathe in purpose elsewhere, it just

Fills me with despair.

If I look to the stars, or to the other leaders here

I feel nothing but despair.

I feel nothing but despair.

If I look out to the seas, toward the endless heaving tide

I feel naught but pain inside,

Naught but pain inside.

Though the world is trickling way

And the currents laugh and grind

I will rise on stone to stay

Praising the God of permanence and time.

My conquests hold no meaning,

every struggle forgotten to the tide

Who will remember repeated days

Of waiting for a better time?

While I beg and choose from morsels,

Stained with wanting waiting-clothes

The world goes on without me

Yes, it counts me just another foe

Should I wake utterly destitute

Or drown beneath the sea

The earth will soon forget,

Will just as quickly bury me.

If I don’t matter tomorrow, nor did I

Matter yesterday

What leave have I to pursue a path

That winds another way?

Though my paces will fade from memory

And my footfalls be heard by none

I will still seek the path of the Father

I will follow the Holy One

If but a single other wanderer

Heeds my lamp through the dark or the fall;

Then my stumbling has broken the curse

My wailing was not without cause.

Though regardless of men, I stand brokenly

I heel crazily to the side

Taunting the enemy with my dependence

Laughing openly at my demise

I am unable, and thus a servant

I am lesser, and so adopted

I know who I am and to who I belong

And though time wears away even stone

I rest, knowing by Him

By Him-

I am known.

Inside

Wondering when the season ends will not make leaves fall faster.

Wishing spring would swap out fall will not make summer ever after.

I know the truths of waiting, yet I do not feel their weight

If only I could see the end, I’d more easily shelter in place.

Yet as it is my truths are muddled, the skies aren’t clear and dust clouds reign

If I want to live then my life must die

Waiting, watching

And sheltering in place.

I did not know just how much snow

Could fall in such a winter.

And as it grows, and my windows close

I begin to forget the summer.

Someday I’ll breathe the light again but until then

I wait instead.

I Forgive You – an open letter (you know who you are)

I hope you see this, and not just

Every other word from my mouth,

the lilting that could be condemnation,

the rhymes that could be calling you out;

I hope you hear that I know what Love has planned

For you; beyond your storms.

I still believe who you’re becoming is better;

Is loved;

And who you were doesn’t have to exist anymore.

Disgusting

There is something sick inside me, it is

Easier to be ill

I know nothing so well as disease, I am

Better at being sick than any facet of humanity

I would otherwise display.

Fear blossoms, whispers inability

I know better the honeyed pity, the bleeding sympathy that flows

I can manage the gratitude they exude

That their lot has not fallen as mine;

I am better at belonging in the hospital bed

Than any talent I can find

Something in me longs for that familiarity

Take me back where I understand and am understood

The beeps and monitors I speak, the veins and lines that intersect at a nurse’s hand

It is far more ordered than this chaotic land

I have more to offer in the crisp-white room than in this panicked time;

I can offer mystery; blood and antibodies and metabolic panels that defy reason

I hold curiosity; extra collagen and misery

I know not where else to run when

I

Bleed

But

Someone wants my uncertain mess; this diseased, distressed, and homeless wreck

A God so clean, with want of me? How delightfully wrong it seems

But… it is there I surely belong.

How much easier it is to follow you

In grinding hurt and pain;

How much brighter and clearer the light doth shine

When night has come again;

I seek no answers except my own, and it is readily

A resounding, ‘yes!’ And ‘hurry, please,

Rescue me with all speed,’

I see the clearest surrenders from the foggiest of seas

Knowing who you are is easy, but not when to leave.

You open the door, I stand and call; invite you in, to stay, to grow.

My God and King, the light unto my path.

I will follow the lights back.

who doesn’t?

the purest energy, the jitters of possibility

who doesn’t?

I hear that song and shake my head, the

glitter catching in my eyes

who doesn’t? 

each sunrise taunting me with its time, I

have already decided so many things, after one glimpse

hope is dangerous, love even deadlier

caution to illness and sorrow and loneliness –

you are all on death row, I’ve realized my hope –

and it feels so sudden, but

i want to fall in love again

 

Who doesn’t?

 

 

Sdrawkcab

i’m not sure how i feel now that it’s revo,

and so many have left me to tor.

My heart feels tsol, ytpme, unwanted

and no one is still here to speak.

 

he left like the others, two winters ago

i still dream of him from the long before.

i see him in faces of men whose blood

never burned quite so black;

and from whatever traumas, they’ve found their way back,

but not him. not him. i still pray all the time

one day your heart will be healed

and maybe you’ll say

hello again

to mine.

Judah

There is yet love in your heart; do not let it fade, let it fall

There is yet survival and patches of light

A place for the healing to start; in part

A consequence of what has been lost.

Do not fade, gentle one, in the waves of this passing

Do not shiver yourself out of your bones.

The crossing will pass and the passing will cross

itself into patterns – as of yet unknown.

This place is a journey, your steps are not hollow

The world is still firm ‘neath your feet.

You do not walk solemn… awaken and follow

The Lion who beckons you –

To be free.

water-walking

I wander through unknowns, shivering valleys and deeper lows

My dreams reflect the darkness new- but somehow light is shimmering too

I find myself awash in breath, a consolation in the land of death…

What waits beyond I do not know. A lonely hall dipping dark and low. I will not find what I expect-

But the Lion of Judah, prowling ahead.