one line from each love poem i wrote (july 2017-january 2019)

i scream and claw at Heart


I want to take back what I didn’t say

The gnawing grows wider and I cannot quench the fire

I love but I cannot give in

let me hold your pain and fire, let me feel the lightning in your eyes

i cannot let this… exist

You pulled me up to dance

He filled my veins with shadow

Love cannot hurt me more than silence

The relief I feel

“You either feel it or you don’t.”

But the lyrics flew and caught my heart

You spoke in whispers and sunlight

When brown meets green. The trees

i seek absolution from the starrer of the skies

my starving heart desires.

I can feel the sunrays healing

Love is the warrior facing this fear.

What is this uncertainty

But the highs are so windy, so brightly sharp over the city

But I will lift my voice above the roar

Felt this familiar, comforting

Don’t let him know his eyes invade your waking nights and dreaming days

Someday I will kiss you again

And let the warmth of joy remain.

I am good

I discover, endless summer

She left and part of me went to sleep

I held fast to the loneliness grinding my bones.

But my heartbeat trails behind.

I lost everyone I need.

Too late

Impossible to deny.

We climb the clouds like ladders as we sing our praising songs

I call for a name that no longer exists.

I will simply call it a night

Elohim Shama, I want to listen as well as I’m heard.

When will this grief stop its roaming, and settle

How can I fight? I am weary

Verde, verde, me duele el corazón

I will not give in to the shadows or the bleeding.

I know who you were, and who you made me, and how you kept the loneliness at bay for so many

You are gone, and no life will replace you.

I feel small, I feel nothing

And you are still dead;

I do not want to live in a bubble of pain

You are the only reason I still sing

My king and my light, my guide will decide

and solitude is no longer a curse

But you are gone. Each new breath, empty morning

I no longer want to roam

I wish I knew how to leave the ledge but I know I cannot fly

For a while, in the dark, you’ll have never died.

I close my eyes and see demise

“it’s complicated.”

I know I am in love

My dear, I’m wholly in love with your rhetoric.




Pain means

Something new;

It is beautiful, expensive; it glimmers

With all the promise of the storm.

From crushing olives, oil is born.

This Girl

There is this

She twirls in front of dark windows
And stares out them
And she must be seeing her reflection.

For it is far too dark to see anything out there, other than her own deep eyes gazing back at her
Unless she’s imagining the world
And its billions of trillions of shards of souls, and soul-dust just floating, flickering, wicks of endless candle, simply showing off and spiraling in the darkness; maybe she sees flame, casting light where light by all rights should never be, because the Night owns some parts of the world; but there is the fire anyway, guttering but Alive, raking the shadows to shreds with its insistent rays, existing, twirling, spiraling with the joy of living and fighting and roaring quietly but persistently;

maybe that is what
The Girl sees outside her window
In the very very cold abyssal yawning night.

But I’m pretty sure
She just likes to dance in front of the darkened glass.

And maybe her own flame
Is fed by that dance.