unbelief

We bowed our heads
i raised mine, instead
the reverance stayed. but my gaze strayed
onto your face
— you cheekily waved.
i smiled in dismay
        and my heart sank.

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Who Am I

I am reminded all over again
How grateful — overwhelmingly so — to serve a God the likes of which this world could never deserve.
How kind and strong and merciful and swift and just and ceaselessly LOVING You are. I
CANNOT fathom, nor can I truly express gratitude to the correct degree.
Instead I fumble at useless scuffed-up words and cry tears of longing and awe to give You more than what I have.
You are beyond me, Lord of light and love. Thank You for all that You are. I am infinitely small and weak, and you are immeasurably strong and eternal.
Thank You.

Nostalgic Prayer

Someday I’ll look back and be astounded
Someday I’ll reminisce and be amazed
at all the ways my life has changed;
tears shed for deaths we all regret —
friendships, friends, desires… dead.

Someday I’ll wonder just what happened
Where all the sunlit years have gone
My heartbeat then will go to sleep
my words will breathe no more.

I long for absolution from the starrer of the skies
the one who galaxied creation
and all the colors in your eyes.

Let my skin cease to glow
the day my colors fade.
and otherwise my spirit grow
in love and mercy night and day.

Poem Prayer

We worship you because you are not just
Softly bowing flower heads, in gentle winds
Or shimmering raindrops come to wash the soil.
You are also mighty oaks, borne of ancient years and deep roots
And lashing, torrential showers, full of power and promise.

You are ceaseless sunshine, yes
and neverending light
but you are also the deepest, calmest night
and the depths of every sea.

you are close to me.

you are awesome, terrifying power,
razing forests like rotten toothpicks.
breaking strong diamonds like gossamer,
your might incomprehensible.

yet from this same force of fury and storm
comes a grace with infinite limits
comes a mercy the like of which
no human has ever deserved.

we run to you, with fear of you
swept up in your love and forgiveness.
i bow at your feet, trembling
you calm my heart and anoint me.

i am unworthy
you are everything
i cannot fathom anything
Lord, King Jesus, Most High, Creator and King of Light, Son of God, God of Words and Life,
spare me and my human weakness.
spare me. i long to love you. i long to be near you. forgive me and accept me. i want you in my life, Lord. i reject and rebuke ungodly human desires. fill my soul with your presence
help everyone i have ever met or passed by to know you and come to accept you.
i need you Father. your son died to set me free. thank you for raising him from the dead. amen. in Jesus’ holy name. amen.

Abba Always

No matter what I thought
He reigns;
The light obliterates the clouds,
Despite the winds and storms and rains.

And absolute and just is He,
So loving, full and strong.
His heart, it pains when ours cry out
He’s with us all along.

And even when it seems so dark,
The shadows absolute,
He sends his love to dry our tears,
For He himself has borne these wounds.

My God reminds me endlessly
That I matter after all.
His love embraces and engulfs me
I am held even as I fall.

He does
Not Mind That I am broken;
His forgiveness knows no bounds.
I can
Not
Change
His love for me;
As he paid in blood and thorns and bone
And died
To set me free.

A wave of what, how can it be
Crashes heavy over me
a God, THE God, has love… For me?
My heart finds hard to believe.

And yet every time, when He thinks of me, the Love he holds is true.
A God, my God, believes in me
So why can’t I love Me too?

Panic panic go away

I will serve You, Lord, no matter what; the devil cannot taunt me away from you. In all my weakness, my tiny, useless insignificance, I will serve You. In all my fear and failure I will follow Jesus Christ. No other name. I am so scared. So frightened. Everything is sharp and harsh and scary, Lord. The world is full of evil and darkness and You are the only light. I am still afraid, but I will serve You no matter what; the devil cannot taunt me away from You. In my weakness you are strong, You will carry me as I crumple. When the panic sinks its talons into my heart and physically I feel the fear, You will still hold my failing body close as I shut down. You will say “Child, do not fear. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
This is all that matters. I will serve You and no other.
He loves me. He loves me.
He loves you.