I’ve fought a thousand battles trying to find you, searching for some infinite desire that would anchor me to another
I found nothing and no one
Just shadows full of twinkling promise,
Remnants of love; so I kept looking
And I discovered strength instead of companionship.
Dignity instead of desire.
Joy in place of longing.
And I am free of binding chains; now I search languidly, with expectation
i can see the mistakes in front of me
they echo, mocking, spiraling
their laughter echoes every sin
i know my heart is wandering.
Give me scars that paint my flesh
Give me wounds and stitches blessed
With stories, pasts and livelihood
Carve the ivory of me
Slick the canvas with oil and dreams
Cut in me new memories
Make me more than these injuries
Melting-me drips down my ribs
Myself withers and cracks my lips
my soul-glass chips and fogs
I stare down friends and family
as my Self slides down my bones
my heartbeat liquefies and loans
itself down to my
t o e s
It’s moments when I’m doing homework way too late at night, and worship music is playing softly in the background,
And I glancingly think about how I’m not having lunch with you tomorrow because it’s a Wednesday, not a Tuesday or a Thursday,
And there’s this twinge inside and the Thought just rudely pushes past my mental barriers,
Announcing itself and settling and sending its inky self-assured fingers into my heart, where I feel its strength resonate
And I drop my pen and look up and out the dark frosted window in shock, looking for who said those words which pronounced themselves so clearly in my mind,
but there is only my worn reflection staring back, like the words echoed defiantly out of some faded inner conscious where poems are born and die.
“I love him.”
So I shake myself and write some shadowy half-formed unfair sentiment about this gripping proclamation
And then I wearily lift a thermometer to my ear and check my temperature once more
before continuing to copy down my calculus homework from the textbook, unburdened.
Bleeding and broken and lashed with hatred, shame
Laughed at and mocked in the darkest of hours
As even father looked away.
Scorned and forgotten, abandoned by all
More alone than anyone has ever been.
Yet we cry out after a moment of darkness, a second of fear
We cannot stand to face the shadows on our own
you, You died in solitude to grant us a reprieve from the night
i cannot fathom how blessed i am to know this age, where you are so close and graceful
so kind and gentle
i know one day you will judge us all and i am NOT ENOUGH
I SCREAM THIS TRUTH, THE AGONY TORN FROM MY LUNGS WITH ALL ITS THORNS
YOU ARE A L L THAT I HAVE
AND YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH
thank you …
Lord Jesus keep reminding me
That I am not a word;
Nay, not even a sentence
Or a collection of worried breath.
Say it to me again and again
Tell me the worth I have within
I am finding it hard to focus
When the world costs so much to be in.
Not ‘Christian’ or ‘human’ or ‘lover’ or ‘friend’,
Not ‘person’ or ‘purpose’ or ‘pathetic’ or ‘pretty’.
I am not words, I am not phrases
More so than ‘me’
I am an example of the one true King’s grace and majesty.
Normally I am this bouncing ball of energy and loudness
Social lightning rippling through my veins like fire
Now I am pensive
I think and reflect and wonder and smooth words do not drop from my lips like river pebbles
For the first time in my life
I feel shyness like a thick cloak about me
Covering and protecting but inhibiting
I am afraid to be me
Or me has become less;
Whatever it is, I do not think I like it
I want to return to how and who I was before
Loud like the sunrise, shattering into the world
A new dawn, rudely eclipsing the calm night
Blazing with fierce self respect, ready to lead the new horizon beyond itself.
(But what I want may not be what is best for me. Perhaps God has a plan that is as of yet murky in my sight. I will trust and follow. He knows my desires and also my needs.)
Dilute the night with their calm;
And the storm clouds roll
Through the chasms of earth
That crack against the dawn.
Intangible colors that seem so far away
They sweep through shores of littered minds
And leave behind words to say.
It is quite the splendid constellation
When all our thoughts align;
And finally, more fought for than won
We know ourselves inside.
I’m terrified that my proclivity
Is intense and hollow jealousy
Why else would, deep inside of me,
I feel these claws of some painful thing?
You are beautiful, friend, and I am afraid
What if I turn out to be not enough?
Your eyes are brighter, you’re wonderfully made
Who here is the better of us?
Certainly everyone would choose you,
Or her, or her. The improvements increase.
I cannot seem to grasp the truth
That no one can be compared to me.
I am me, and that girl is she
There is no almost, no in-between
If our souls share no commonality-we are wholly unique, as He declares it to be-
Then why should I stagger with insecurity?
Precious Lord, give worth to me.
I am found in You alone.