Spring

What kind of life is this

(Called bliss?)

I face the sunlight, cooling winds

The flowers bend, velvet petals

Floating laughter, joyful wells

Even when the sun is gone…

I discover, endless summer

Warmth to keep the winters

Thawed.

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I’ve fought a thousand battles trying to find you, searching for some infinite desire that would anchor me to another

I found nothing and no one

Only dust. 

Just shadows full of twinkling promise,
Remnants of love; so I kept looking
And I discovered strength instead of companionship. 

Dignity instead of desire. 

Joy
in place of longing. 
And I am free of binding chains; now I search languidly, with expectation

Instead

Of desperation.
 

Poem Prayer

We worship you because you are not just
Softly bowing flower heads, in gentle winds
Or shimmering raindrops come to wash the soil.
You are also mighty oaks, borne of ancient years and deep roots
And lashing, torrential showers, full of power and promise.

You are ceaseless sunshine, yes
and neverending light
but you are also the deepest, calmest night
and the depths of every sea.

you are close to me.

you are awesome, terrifying power,
razing forests like rotten toothpicks.
breaking strong diamonds like gossamer,
your might incomprehensible.

yet from this same force of fury and storm
comes a grace with infinite limits
comes a mercy the like of which
no human has ever deserved.

we run to you, with fear of you
swept up in your love and forgiveness.
i bow at your feet, trembling
you calm my heart and anoint me.

i am unworthy
you are everything
i cannot fathom anything
Lord, King Jesus, Most High, Creator and King of Light, Son of God, God of Words and Life,
spare me and my human weakness.
spare me. i long to love you. i long to be near you. forgive me and accept me. i want you in my life, Lord. i reject and rebuke ungodly human desires. fill my soul with your presence
help everyone i have ever met or passed by to know you and come to accept you.
i need you Father. your son died to set me free. thank you for raising him from the dead. amen. in Jesus’ holy name. amen.

Lord let me

Why, contemplation leaves me low

And bitter hearts still seek the cold.

I lose myself in time and sleep

An exhausted spirit is all I keep. 
So let me in to warm my feet

And sit awhile beside the flames. 

At once to rest and speak in peace

Forever safe in Your embrace. 
I nod my head and fire climbs high

My eyelids flicker low. 

I’m no longer out in the bitter cold —

You smile and drape over me Your coat. 

Not-me; me

Share me?

Share not-me;

I am not an empty-heart; I am not ice-blocked emotions. I am not a clean-break, not shards of rounded safety glass, cubed, wound-proof. 

I am not time, I am not burdens. I am not certain

Or worthy. I am not organized; I am not check marks in flawless lists or a docile couple in frozen bliss. 

I am not entirely human. I am not a settler, or someone who stays still. I am not full of perfect health and good posture and concerning food I have no iron will. 

I am not tame or sane or well-kept; I am not clean blank paper or unwritten stanzas or shyness toward people I have not met. 

I am not picture-perfect, I am not cliche, I am not a normal being in any human way. I am not a smart tidy rhyme packed away in a neat little scheme. 

I am the words falling away from your minds in the darkest times of your day. I am poetry and panic and disturbance of sleep; I am wild colors and unmade designs run amok to keep their own. I am the child who names herself; I am the wicked wind that flows through and snags your heart from a branch, tearing it off the trees you entrusted it to. 

I am the sickness in bones and the exhaustion in eyes, carved in the smiles of everyone alive. This I am also, to my own detriment. 

I am full of faith-longing; constellations combust within me, believing for saving and waiting for companions and cleansing of sins. My eyes see nothing and my soul sees the wind. 

I am screams inside that claw up from your chest, possessed by searing flame which writhes without rest. I am mental chaos, a shattering smashing shoving build up of quiet and longing. 

I am aching hearts that gaze at one another in silent agony, lips full of words that cannot be spoken. I am tattered clothing,

Ripped jeans and sloshing souls full of sodden sparkles, tired but relentless.

I am soul — I am endless.