There is a tension in waiting

for a blow that never comes;

Your body, crumbled to posturing

perched upon your splintered throne.


There are eyes tired of searching,

yet unable to close for rest;

There are lungs squeezed shallow from filtering

the quietest possible breaths.


There is loss multiplied by loss

in the fight to never be knocked down again;

There are waves that will never drown you, yet

you cannot ever risk submerging for a swim.


There is knowledge of inky black

which no one can pretend not to see;

There are stains of morbid red

where your heart rips open (every other beat.)


There is an exquisite agony

in never feeling home;

It does damage, it curries questions

that should never be asked.


You cannot learn to thrive and love

when your alertness

your caution

your awareness

when your panic will never relax


i’m not sure how i feel now that it’s revo,

and so many have left me to tor.

My heart feels tsol, ytpme, unwanted

and no one is still here to speak.


he left like the others, two winters ago

i still dream of him from the long before.

i see him in faces of men whose blood

never burned quite so black;

and from whatever traumas, they’ve found their way back,

but not him. not him. i still pray all the time

one day your heart will be healed

and maybe you’ll say

hello again

to mine.

Jealous love

I miss your love, your kindness


And Peace

I miss the way you cared for me

The softness with which you treated me

It hurts like knives in my stomach to let go

I have to trust that God is just

That he wants for me what I cannot



I know He is jealous for me…

And will hold me as I weep

what is Depressed?

it is a crushing weight that pulverizes your breath

grinds your lungs to dust and leaves blood begging for help in your eyes

it is an exhaustion, an apathy, a slow-burning acid pulsating in your heart

it is an apology, “i’m sorry, i should be fine”

it is a distant echo of guilt

remorse for the lives you cannot help but impact

buried by nothingness,

the ghost of feeling consumed by self-hatred and




Who understands but Yaweh
Who feels the depths of the agony?

I am broken and alone
Each human failed me, one by one
No one can stand the test of time
Of sleeplessness through these trials of mine

I callously discard them. I painfully disregard their
Deception, malice, unjust intent
Their abuse and neglect and abandonment

I ford the waters alone.
A single rough rock among river stones. 


Tonight the dam just burst inside
I cried so little
But felt so much.
I felt betrayed
Or laughable; why me?
Why is something constantly wrong with my frail eggshell body?
I felt sick of all the sickness
And deformed bones
And nerves that don’t work properly
And blood capillaries
That explode.

But when the few-tears and much-pain
Ran out; I remembered.
That my God took away the capillaries that danced so wickedly inside me.
He healed the nerves that made me ache like a broken toy
And did so out of love.

So for me to pity
Myself based on what little problems remain;
Is so ridiculous. It is not as if I lack a lung or limp about crippled and lame.

My rib floats and bends and aches
So what? I am alive.
It hurts me sometimes to breathe;
And yet fresh air still gives me life.

I am sorry for my narrative
Of pity and wallowing rage.
sometimes I need to sit and cry
To move on past this stage.
My God will gently wait for me
As I weep about life’s-not-fair;
He’ll hold me tight when I approach
With my foolish, childlike complaints-
And He will wipe away my tears.