Felt warmth at my back, and fell asleep
Thinking, in a moment of late, exhaustion-induced confusion, that it was you.
But sunlight, and morning
Broke the truth
It was only the cat, curled up at my back.
And you are still dead;
You are still dead.
At most, my pain diminishes me
I feel small, I feel nothing
I feel the nothing pulling me in
I know its name, its harmonies well up
They pour out of my eyes and stain my life
At best, the pain underscores the why
Without agony there is no joy.
Why haven’t you come home yet?
Your pictures lie to me, the life in them misleading
I see your face and patiently wait for you to come bounding through the door.
But they lie, they lie;
You are gone, and no life will replace you.
I lose my breath for the ways we wept
Carving our chains from the sorrows we claim
I curse my hands as they build my plans
The coffin sized for me that I lovingly heed
Each step towards my death I shriek as I grin
I cannot stop mourning even as I descend
Why do we not cease all this clamor and doubt?
I know what will save me but I grieve anyhow
We built our own tomb-traps but we gild them and stay!
filling the rooms with silver decay
Floating our corpses in gold-blood and gloom
We’re certain this death will not be the last
We’ve died so many times in the past
Sometimes the greatest poetry…
Rage, silent storm;
Is the absence of any.
The quiet, heavy ladled
Only over the story..
You would tell, but refuse.
Respect me, or I will blow your memory like dust into the wind.
You do not deserve any acknowledgment from my breath.
It took a while, but I realized
You’ll never be gone. Not one ounce
Of your spirit, or joy, or love
Has vanished from my life. Not one
Of your presence
Has left my side.
I know who you were, and who you made me, and how you kept the loneliness at bay for so many
It’s accepting now
That I can never truly lose you
That will let the healing begin.
Someday I’ll see you again
Someday home will be a place
I never want to leave.
Right now it is pain and dark and
Jarring sunlit memories
Awash in blood and flame and joy,
I need to make myself
And fill my home with you.