Breathe

I went on a mission to change my name

To cut through my braids and melt all my chains

Chopped off my hair, pierced through my flesh

Wandered away from my home; I fled

Who am I now that I’ve challenged my soul

Conquered the shadows that threatened and broke?

I jumped from the heights, I set out alone

I held fast to the loneliness grinding my bones.

Now I am different, sharper, and free

Now I am entirely

Painfully

Me.

fear-steps

i had to step through the looking-glass,
the hoops and the spinning chimes.
i had to curl up and close my eyes,
allowing the thieves all my time.

i had to give in to the burdening blades
the heaviest sunrise, the blood-sky most stained.

i had to relinquish the storm in my heart, or

my killers would never depart.

sleep aid

what does my heart detest, this
whirling, weeping mess?

I feel the sleep-chalk draw its lines
the crumbling towers, cursed vines
my time is almost done.
I can’t continue to run.

lids

we whisper to the nights when we

have any need to spill our dreams

the coinage drains, it coughs and stains

each numbing-thought deserved.

I don’t know why my soul is tired but my eyes crave seeing the world

Mocha

She left and part of me went to sleep

I’m undone by four paws and a worn-out red collar

My faithful companion, lifelong friend

Thank you for loving me with all your strength to the end.

She took all my comfort with her

All the security of her protective grace.

Almost two decades of fears quelled by my tireless guardian

Watchful sentry, ageless soldier;

Furry tissue, perfect confidante

The best friend anyone could want

That old gray muzzle

Will never

Leave

My heart. I’ll love you forever

I can still feel you by my side (curled up perfectly like most winter nights)

Someday I may stop weeping

But tonight, the first night I face under this roof without your warm, snoring presence (my earliest memory is your excitement as we chose you at the pound; eighteen years is a long time for you to have been around)

The tears will flow until they irrigate the desert valleys you left inside my heart.

I can’t imagine life without your loyalty and bark

Someone tear this pain from me

AND JUST GIVE ME BACK MY DOG —

please.

Spring

What kind of life is this

(Called bliss?)

I face the sunlight, cooling winds

The flowers bend, velvet petals

Floating laughter, joyful wells

Even when the sun is gone…

I discover, endless summer

Warmth to keep the winters

Thawed.

I feel so

Terrifically

Catastrophically

alone

Yeah, so what

There’s illness in my blood

Far stronger is the laughter pushing life through every vein

Far stronger are the friends weathering every raging flood

I am good

Rain

What glittering light-beams shower my skin;

What hopeful rays descend again.

For once, at last, the shimmer stays;

Its floating fingers glimmer and play.

They curl my hair into ribbons and rain

I reach up, smiling, showered in grace,

And let the warmth of joy remain.

Flighty

Too many nights I lie awake

The serpents spinning webs in my brain

I shuffle my thoughts like a deck of cards,

Whistling out tunes about broken hearts.

I quarrel within, the milk-man begins

Bringing my panic in glass jugs and jars.

Every night I simmer, undying quitter

I swerve to avoid any glimmer in the dark.